thanks to mother of three Chantal below for sharing her thoughts on the importance of spending time together these days, even in front of a screen.
As a couple, we used to go the gym on Saturday mornings as well as idly maneuver machines before we rolled into brunch or a movie matinee. We’d wander grocery store aisles in tandem, pondering what we might collectively cook for dinner. We once zip-lined in Costa Rica as well as wine-tasted at a Chilean vineyard.
And, we used to watch television with such commitment that critics feared for their jobs. top chef as well as project runway dominated our reality show viewing, 30 rock filled the comedy slot, as well as favorite dramas ranged from The wire to Friday night Lights. during our lost addiction, we’d sneakily agree to three episodes on a school night as well as go to bed far too late pondering the fate of Kate as well as Jack.
Our marriage never felt stronger.
Now, we’ve got three kids. The closest we come to visiting a gym is jumping on our basement spin bike for a (guaranteed interrupted) 30-minute session. cooking now requires assembly-line-like-precision to ensure dinner is plated before hunger-induced tantrums take hold.
I knew that having children, especially three of them, would change things. I anticipated a moratorium on dreams of seeing the Acropolis up close. I traded some of my dreams in for an indescribable (and at times irrational) joy I get from being a mom. But, I held tightly to an unexpressed commitment: our television viewing habits wouldn’t change.
We’d still tune in to Francis as well as Claire’s struggle for power since our cost-free ritual (no babysitter or visa required) happened after our kids went to bed. Easy. We could retain a piece of our former selves as we over-analyzed the characters we consumed as well as sought to understand.
But, as each new child entered our world, things did change. We began delineating which shows belonged to me, my husband, or both of us so we could efficiently keep our TV consumption at a competitive level. On nights where he worked or played basketball, I entered the worlds of Parenthood as well as The good Wife. When I worked or grabbed drinks with friends, he embraced The league as well as Daredevil.
Game of Thrones as well as Narcos: reserved for us both.
The nights of shared TV show watching decreased in regularity over the years without much thought, similar to the way unloading our dishwasher twice daily became normal without notice.
With one kid we watched a shared show 3-4 times a week. once our third infant arrived, a once-weekly viewing ritual felt like a mystical phenomenon.
We gradually faded into a new normal: I doubled down on This is us as well as he on Jessica Jones. But, some unrest simmered underneath the surface.
On a recent Tuesday night after we tucked our kids into bed, finished dishes, made lunches, cleaned up stray LEGOS, attached shipping labels to three Amazon returns, located that missing library book, inventoried the fridge for tomorrow’s dinner, polished off that well-deserved second glass of wine, as well as signed the field trip form – we sat on our living room couch at 10:09pm as well as I suggested, given our inability to summon any type of mental reserves for meaningful conversation, we start Episode 1, season 2 of Narcos.
My husband had the look of a defeated as well as beleaguered war veteran as he mumbled something under his breath. I pressed him to speak up, as well as heard a half-hearted, “I might just read as well as go to bed.”
I took a deep breath as well as found myself accessing some hidden, fairly unpleasant emotion. Then, I proceeded to lose my shit in a verbal tirade.
“We are a couple who watches television together,” I insisted. “We watch large quantities of high quality television together. We watch in silence, with lights dimmed. We don’t check email or shop online so we can be fucking present with each other. This ritual is the last goddamn vestige of any type of weekday impracticality we indulge in together as well as we thoroughly enjoy it. That’s who we are. If you want to read, go as well as read. but if you do, know it’s a strong indicator that our marriage is faltering; it’s a friggin’ canary in the coal mine. first we stop watching TV together, then we stop talking to each other, as well as then we ended up being strangers inhabiting the same house wondering why we ever liked having brunch together in the first place.”
My husband went quickly from defeated war veteran to terror-ridden hostage victim in the span of my 43-second monologue.
Cautious as well as confused, he reached for the remote as well as logged onto Netflix.
It takes neither an experienced therapist nor Brene brown to tell me that “it wasn’t about TV.”
What TV symbolizes in our household is the easiest thing to do together that we enjoy. It requires no physical stamina, logistical negotiations, nor abundant savings account. In our house, TV incites memories of a less scheduled as well as less practical past, which renews as well as re-connects us for a 56-minute interval. as well as most importantly, amid the daily responsibilities of our existence, it is the most effortless way to say to each other, “Being with you matters.”
Many of us parents give up, for a time, on the hopes of an Adonis-like physique or a Thailand trek with a toddler in favor of soccer sideline chatter as well as local library visits. There’s good rationale for that; a 14-hour flight with an 18-month old is terrorizing to all involved. but many of us couples likewise seem to give up on those subtle, easy, simple ways to communicate with one one more that: being with you matters. And, when we give up on these things consistently over time, it feels as though we’re slowly giving up on each other. as well as when we give up on each other, life together becomes lonely as well as much less lovely.
What TV symbolizes in our household is the easiest thing to do together that we enjoy
My urge to all couples with young children in the house is not to watch West world as well as Fargo, as compelling as the dramas are. My urge is for partners to identify what simple, familiar efforts message that your partner, as well as your relationship, as well as your past matter. Then, in an effort to prevent emotional distance or an emotional tirade from your loved one, pick up your version of the remote and, in spite of fatigue or distraction, watch the episode in the dimmed light on a Tuesday night.